A Poem That Is Not Mine

WARNING: Mushiness alert! Mushiness alert! Retreat from here if you cringe at mushiness lest you want to suffer utterly from  severe cringing. Hahaha. You have been warned.

The following is an excerpt from a work entitled “Monna Innominata: A Sonnet of Sonnets” by Christina Georgina Rosetti. You may view the complete work HERE. You may also view an analysis of the poet and her work HERE. Hmm. Warning pala sa mga nais bumasa nung complete set, parang si Yoda siya magsalita ‘a. Hahaha! Ako man naguluhan e. Ang hirap intindihin sa isang basahan e. Hahaha.

 This sonnet I posted below is the sixth of the fourteen sonnets (thus, a sonnet of sonnets). Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, na-quote din ito ni Elisabeth Elliot sa book n’yang “Passion and Purity”. That book is a good read, too, by the way, especially for those who want to surrender their heart’s pen to God and allow Him to write their love story.  Anyway, I found that the sonnet expresses what I wanted to write for some time now. So till makasulat ulit ako ng kasentihan, ito muna.

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Trust me, I have not earn'd your dear rebuke,

I love, as you would have me, God the most;

Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,

Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look

Unready to forego what I forsook;

This say I, having counted up the cost,

This, though I be the feeblest of God's host,

The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with His crook.

Yet while I love my God the most, I deem

That I can never love you overmuch;

I love Him more, so let me love you too;

Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such

I cannot love you if I love not Him,

I cannot love Him if I love not you.

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 I dedicate these words to the lady behind the veil whose name I yet know not, whose beauty still remains hidden from me, yet whose hands were created to fit snugly in mine.

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 To the lady behind the veil,

 I cannot ask of you now to wait for me, because you are not yet mine, and I am not yet yours. He’s not yet done in preparing us apart. It looks like we still have a lot to learn before we meet. I assure you that I earnestly long to be with you, and that I will pursue you eagerly when He tells me to. But not yet, not yet. Till that time, I pray that you’ll be at peace to let go of me, as I did you, to follow Him unreservedly, to follow Him whatever the cost. Rejoice in Him always.

 Love,

The gentleman on the other corner of the triangle.

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 Hahaha! I told you it was going to be mushy. Hahaha! Ano, nagsisisi kang binasa mo ‘no?! Wahahahahahaha! Tsk tsk tsk. Makinig kasi sa warning sa susunod! Hahaha.

                                                Dare to the Deep

Testimony on IVCF Missions Camp ‘09

The Missions Camp was more than an exposure. It was really an invitation, a challenge, a dare.

Days before the camp, I was really wondering what it would be like. It was my first time to attend an IVCF camp, so I really didn’t know what to expect. I heard it would be an intensive course, which proved to be true as we progressed through the course. The whole Kairos course was impossible to absorb and internalize in just four days, or at least for me. But it was not like school, it was still a camp, it was much more dynamic. It processed not just the mind, but also the heart.

The Missions Camp was also where I truly grasped the reason for doing missions. Whenever I thought of that before, the reason that would come to my mind would be compassion for other people, people who do not yet know of the true and only God. And that reflected in my attitude; since I seldom liked the social sciences, studying history and culture and stuff, I never really had the desire to be involved in missions. And I was really wondering why God keeps on prodding me in that direction. The first time I received His call, He enabled me to obey Him, gave me peace that this was path He wanted me to take, so I obeyed. But sooner or later, the frustrations piled up, and I was asking Him why He sent me there when He knew I would not be able to keep up, when He knew I had no desire for missions. Only in the camp did it dawn on me that the drive for this has to be something greater, something deeper – it has to be love for God, passion for the God I serve and worship. It’s supposed to be the reason that I strive – to please Him, to give Him glory, and to lead other people to give Him glory as well.

This drew me to a fork in the road. Now that I know this is the end He’s trying to achieve, to have representatives of every nation, tribe, people and language in His courts, singing praise to Him forever, I can either seek my will or His will, my dreams or His purpose, my glory or His glory. And this is an all-or-none-at-all type of choice, which is really difficult to settle. Knowing the right thing to do is different from really doing the right thing. And it’s pressure, and I hate it. I hate it because I know somewhere along the line I’ll fall again, and I’ll feel betrayed and messed up, and it hurts. I chose to run away from it. That’s why this testimony is late, because I struggled with choosing what’s right.

The small group discussions, quiet times, and spiritual retreats were a lot of help, too. They were precious moments to think things through, to sort stuff out, even in a hectic schedule. One quiet time session in the camp, God called me again. “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch” (Luke 5:4). It was a dare to be adventurous, to risk everything, to follow Him. It was thrilling, and yet terrifying. How I wish I would be able to obey at once as the disciples did (Matthew 4:20).

But as every journey starts with a single step, even as much confusion and fear cloud my mind, I now choose to walk with God. It will be a daily surrender of everything in my life – my past, my present, my future. It will not be easy, my flesh will surely contradict this decision, but it will be what will make me need Him more. May He continue to transform me to be like Him in every way in this journey.

“Then Jesus said to Simon, ‘Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.’ So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed Him.” – Luke 5:10-11

                                            easiersaidthandone

i'm back in these chains like last time when You found me,

'can't believe myself when i know You set me free.

thought You wouldn't see me here the next time around;

i tried to stand, i tried to fight, to hold my ground.

but following You is easier said than done,

when i fail and i fall a thousand times and one,

when all i want is to stay on the ground and rest

yet You still ask me to give You my very best.

i'm tired of this, trying to win this life-long race;

i'm tired of this flesh that craves the darkness' embrace.

i find myself walking down a familiar trail

away from You, to a seemingly feel-good tale.

and following You is easier said than done

especially when there's no more desire to run,

when the world lures my heart with what i long for,

and i forget the fact that You could give me more.

and i can't help but ask what made You not give up,

what gave You strength to carry that cross to the top,

when all the hearts You came to save choose to hate You,

to love You and praise You, and once more betray You?

'cause following You is easier said than done;

can't understand why You haven't left me and gone.

i've disobeyed You more than i wanted to know;

still You remain true and refuse to let me go.

yet where else can i go but at Your feet again,

where else, when life without You is but a dead end?

i'm sorry i'm like this; i wish to carry on

though following You is easier said than done.

                                           The Odyssey – Year 2

Just a question to ponder:

What do you do when you find yourself facing giants in the battlefield?

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I remember a previous blog entry. I wrote it in the second semester of my third year in BS Biology (January 2007) after attending an orientation for an NMAT review class. Here’s an excerpt:

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Nagsimula na ako ng NMAT review ko nitong January. … I’ll be taking my NMAT this April, malamang sa gitna ng buwan ‘yun, at isa rin ‘yun sa reasons kung bakit mukhang malabo nang maka-attend ako ng KC. …

The first lecture was an orientation; yu’ng may-ari nu’ng review center yu’ng nag-lecture.  Parang sabi n’ya, “This will be your life for the next 15-17 years…” Sabay pinakita n’ya ‘to sa OHP projector.

So ‘ayun. No more refunds daw after that morning, sabi nu’ng may-ari ng review center. Hehe. Kasi most likely daw e madi-discourage kaming mag-med after the first lecture. Haha. ‘Ayun. Nakakadepress talaga, kasi ang hirap isipin.

Pero now that I think of it, hindi ko pala dapat inunahan ng worry yu’ng dim prospect ng future ko, kahit ga’no pang kamiserable ito sa paningin ko. Kasi dapat patuloy akong nakatingin lang sa Kanya.

“ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ ” – Jeremiah 29: 11-13

And so, my odyssey begins. To God be the glory.

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It’s been two years since I last saw that table. Haha.  I only remembered about it a while ago. And I remember, sobrang na-depress talaga ako nu’ng session na ‘yun, kasi parang ang hopeless talaga, na tipong “gusto ko ba talagang maging doktor?” Parang ang bleak masyado ng future. Hahaha.  At kung titingnan ‘nyo yu’ng progress ng timeline na ‘yan, parang palaki nang palaki yu’ng mga problemang haharapin sa buhay bilang mga doktor.

Year 2 pa lang, at mas mahirap na talaga siya, given na ‘yun. Mas demanding ang pagdadaanan namin ng mga batchmates ko this year, subject-wise, requirement-wise, even yu’ng mga schedules for extra-curricular activities like LadyMed at TRP. In fact, mas mahirap pa nga ‘ata yu’ng sa clerks and interns kung base d’un sa table na ‘yun. Mas marami ring responsibilities, sa klase, sa lower batch, sa kanya-kanyang affiliations, at sa iba pang mga bagay. Mas mahirap na rin maging united as a class. Pero I hope in the hope that is unseen; mahirap man ‘tong taon na ‘to, I believe na magiging fruitful pa rin ‘to para sa Panginoon, in every good way possible. This hope I have is in the promises of an unseen and unchanging God. At kung itong hirap ng taon na ‘to yu’ng makakapag-bigay ng papuri sa Kanya, then come on, bring on the rain.

To those who hope as I do, when the storms come, when the walls come crashing down, when all else fades, do not be discouraged. Do not doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light. Rather, be excited!  Why? Because God is about to show you how great a God He is! And that will be truly amazing.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” – Psalm 46:10

“For this God is our God forever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end.” – Psalm 48:14

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So what do you do when you find yourself facing giants in the battlefield?

You look to the God who is greater than any giant on the battlefield – you trust Him – and you fight the giants alongside Him.

And so my odyssey continues.  To God be the glory.

Currently Lifehouse - Everything see related

Just a Testimony. (^_^)

Hey, everyone. I dunno if you guys still read these things nowadays. But I would just like to share this thing na nangyari kanina.  Basically, kuwento lang 'to.

May Bible study (BS) group kasi kami sa klase. Hindi lahat Christians, kung baga anyone who's interested in studying the Bible is welcome. We're 34 na 'ata by my last count, or at least, 34 lahat lahat ng mga naka-attend na ng BS. Regularly, however, mga 15-25 lang yu'ng nakakapunta, for various reasons, such as activities or meetings sa ibang organizations or fraternities or sororities. 'Tapos mga 8 kaming Christians na nagli-lead. Hmm. Pero, anyway, gumagamit kasi kami this semester ng isang material na nakuha nung isang co-leader ko sa isang missions conference na in-attend-an niya once. It's entitled "The Story of Hope", a compendium of 40 significant events sa Bible from the Old Testament to the New Testament. At parang ginawa yu'ng material for people who have no access to the Bible, at kung baga ginawa siya to show that the story of the Bible logically points to the Good News - that we humans can be saved by grace through faith in Christ.

Wahaha. Ang haba ng intro ko. Hahaha.  Well, kanina, the topic was the resurrection of Christ, His ascension, 'tapos yu'ng proclamation of faith nina Peter sa Acts 2, 'tapos yu'ng promise of Heaven and the rapture. Yu'ng isang co-leader ko yu'ng nag-discuss nu'ng sa first two of the four, ako du'n sa last two. And I really praise God for how He's working in my classmates, kung baga ang galing talaga manligaw ni Lord!  Wahaha. Pero it's true, 'di ba?  Some of my classmates who attend the BS, if not most, have already accepted Christ as Lord and Savior nu'ng nagkaro'n ng opportunity na mag-share kaming leaders ng gospel, kasi John 3 yu'ng topic noon. Ewan ko 'a, pero ako sobrang naa-amaze, kasi kahit na may iba sa'ming religious lang o spiritual lang daw sila, at may iba namang pumunta lang du'n kasi may nililigawang babae na nag-a-attend ng BS, nakita ko kung pa'no 'unti-unting nililigawan ni Lord ang puso ng bawat isa sa kanila. Yu'ng iba naman du'n, the second time na naka-attend, may dala na silang Bible at hindi na lang kontento na makiki-share lang! Grabe talaga. Haha. You can imagine my euphoria. Haha. 

And I'm just amazed kung pa'no kumikilos ang Panginoon, na orchestrated lahat. Tipong yu'ng lesson namin sa klase kanina was about death and dying, at nagtanong pa yu'ng prof namin na, "Who here believes that after they die, they'd go to heaven?" Of course, like in any crowd, 160 students kami sa klase, may parang awkward silence of waiting who's gonna raise hands first. Ako mismo nagdalawang-isip bago ako magtaas ng kamay, kasi baka maging pompous naman yu'ng dating. Pero 'ayun nagtaas na rin kami, kaunti lang kaming nagtaas.  Fastforwarding sa BS namin after, yu'ng final point du'n kanina, parang reflective question siya, saying, "If Jesus were to return right now for those who have trusted in Him, would you be ready for Him?" Ang galing lang talaga. At praise God pa, kasi talagang receptive yu'ng mga kaklase ko kanina. Haha. 

After the end of the day, I was praising God while I was walking home alone - for how He was using us na mga Kristyano na, at kung pa'no Siya gumagalaw sa mga kaklase naming hindi pa nakakakilala sa Kanya. 'Tapos sabi ko kay Lord, "If only people would fall in love with You, then this work - teaching people Your words - would be much easier." Kasi, 'di ba, mahirap naman talaga, lalo na 'pag skeptics yu'ng mga tao, or those who are apathetic, or those who persecute Christ on sight, or even those who are Muslims (may isa akong kaklaseng/kaibigang Muslim, by the way). 'Tapos pinarealize sa'kin ni Lord right there and then, "But then again, if this work would be that easy, we wouldn't be amazed enough to fall in love with You." Haha. Nalupitan lang talaga ako - too much to keep it to myself. 

Why am I sharing this to you guys? Hmm, I just want to encourage you guys. I encourage everyone na 'pag nahihirapan tayo sa mga ginagawa natin para sa Panginoon - tulad ng pag-evangelize o kahit yu'ng pag-build lang ng relationships with people and letting them see God through your life - 'pag nahihirapan tayo, be excited! Why? 'Cause the God you serve is gonna show you that nothing is too hard for Him - na ang imposible sa tao ay posible sa Kanya. 

To Him who is mighty to save be all the glory. Amen and Amen. 

"Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego... for no other god can save in this way."
-Daniel3:28-29

P.S. Sori naman, napahaba 'tong entry na 'to. Hahahahaha. 

P.P.S. Praise God pala, may idi-disciple na ko.  Yu'ng dati kong disciple na naiwan ko dahil pareho kami busy sa academics. Praise God kasi now that He has taught me what it truly means to be a disciple, he has agreed to allow me to disciple him again.  And although sobrang panay follow-up lang talaga ang magagawa namin ngayon, dahil medyo hindi pa that emphasized sa kanya yu'ng meaning ng discipleship, it's still a start, and I hope in God's promise na fruitful 'tong year na 'to, in every good way.