The Missions Camp was more than an exposure. It was really an invitation, a challenge, a dare.
Days before the camp, I was really wondering what it would be like. It was my first time to attend an IVCF camp, so I really didn’t know what to expect. I heard it would be an intensive course, which proved to be true as we progressed through the course. The whole Kairos course was impossible to absorb and internalize in just four days, or at least for me. But it was not like school, it was still a camp, it was much more dynamic. It processed not just the mind, but also the heart.
The Missions Camp was also where I truly grasped the reason for doing missions. Whenever I thought of that before, the reason that would come to my mind would be compassion for other people, people who do not yet know of the true and only God. And that reflected in my attitude; since I seldom liked the social sciences, studying history and culture and stuff, I never really had the desire to be involved in missions. And I was really wondering why God keeps on prodding me in that direction. The first time I received His call, He enabled me to obey Him, gave me peace that this was path He wanted me to take, so I obeyed. But sooner or later, the frustrations piled up, and I was asking Him why He sent me there when He knew I would not be able to keep up, when He knew I had no desire for missions. Only in the camp did it dawn on me that the drive for this has to be something greater, something deeper – it has to be love for God, passion for the God I serve and worship. It’s supposed to be the reason that I strive – to please Him, to give Him glory, and to lead other people to give Him glory as well.
This drew me to a fork in the road. Now that I know this is the end He’s trying to achieve, to have representatives of every nation, tribe, people and language in His courts, singing praise to Him forever, I can either seek my will or His will, my dreams or His purpose, my glory or His glory. And this is an all-or-none-at-all type of choice, which is really difficult to settle. Knowing the right thing to do is different from really doing the right thing. And it’s pressure, and I hate it. I hate it because I know somewhere along the line I’ll fall again, and I’ll feel betrayed and messed up, and it hurts. I chose to run away from it. That’s why this testimony is late, because I struggled with choosing what’s right.
The small group discussions, quiet times, and spiritual retreats were a lot of help, too. They were precious moments to think things through, to sort stuff out, even in a hectic schedule. One quiet time session in the camp, God called me again. “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch” (Luke 5:4). It was a dare to be adventurous, to risk everything, to follow Him. It was thrilling, and yet terrifying. How I wish I would be able to obey at once as the disciples did (Matthew 4:20).
But as every journey starts with a single step, even as much confusion and fear cloud my mind, I now choose to walk with God. It will be a daily surrender of everything in my life – my past, my present, my future. It will not be easy, my flesh will surely contradict this decision, but it will be what will make me need Him more. May He continue to transform me to be like Him in every way in this journey.
“Then Jesus said to Simon, ‘Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.’ So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed Him.” – Luke 5:10-11
